mom left the chat

I'm sitting here, trying to gather my thoughts while our little parrot (小鸟, as we call her) makes an absolute racket. The irony isn't lost on me - here I am, about to write about communication problems, while this tiny bird won't stop chattering.

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There's this thing that happens in Indian families - and probably many Asian families too. When you're already feeling down about something, instead of trying to cheer you up, they'll say things that make you feel even worse. It's not like that movie "Whiplash," where it's about pushing you toward greatness. This is different. It's as if they genuinely believe making you feel worse will somehow motivate you. I struggle to even explain it.

Today was one of those days. Something went wrong, and instead of letting it be, Mom had to make these comments that just... ugh. I finally snapped and told her, "Look, I already feel terrible about this. You don't need to remind me how bad it is." Now she's not responding on WhatsApp. Classic Mom move. She'll get over it - she always does - but still.

The funny thing is, my dad's completely different. Same generation, same background, but he's just like, "Yeah, these things happen." Much more relaxed.

I see the same pattern with my Chinese mother-in-law and how she treats my wife. She never pulls that stuff with me because she assumes we have this huge cultural gap. Little does she know, I'm watching the exact same dynamic play out, just with different actors.

Sometimes I catch myself making excuses: "Oh, they're just doing it out of love," "It's just their generation," "That's just how they show they care." And maybe that's true. But you know what? Maybe it's also problematic. Someone from a different background would probably say, "What the hell? That's toxic." And maybe they'd be right.

I look at my daughter sometimes and think, "God, I hope I'm not passing this stuff down."