They Were My Friends

Featured image: Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

I’ve been there. Surrounded by judgemental, male chauvinists and money minded individuals. They were my friends. Avoiding them like the plague gradually improved my life. Yes, things started changing when I moved to Chengdu, China and decided to settle here.

I know a lot of people won’t agree with my opinions. But this has to be shared. This blog post shares my view and experience with such people. Keep in mind that I don’t want to personally attack any of my “friends” through this article. If you are one of those “friends” reading this, congrats! It’s your lucky day.

I’m going to introduce you to few characters now. Let’s begin.

1. Mr What Are The Benefits?

This individual always asks me about benefits. He takes things for granted but questions when someone suggests him to do something. If you’re an artist, your ears will continuously get raped by these guys. He’ll always question: “what’s the point if you can’t make money”.

He’ll come to your Facebook feed to mock the piece of art you created instead of providing constructive criticism. He will make fun of your passion and dreams hiding under the shadow of sarcasm.

2. Mr Can You Do This At Your Spare Time?

This individual who doesn’t bother doing any batshit for you, all of a sudden, asks you to do things for him. He doesn’t even care whether you’re busy at work or struggling with your problems. He needs you to get his shit done.

He’ll start the conversation by:

“Aliya, free avumbo ith onn nokuo. Can you please recommend something? Can you please edit my article?”

Nb: This is the same person who hasn’t replied to my message for a very long time. All of a sudden, he needs me to get his shit done. No, motherfucker, fuck you!

3. Mr Male Chauvinist/Pervert

Yes, it’s a deadly combination. I need to get this one off my chest. I remember announcing my wedding date in an ex-college friends WhatsApp group. I told them I’ve decided to marry my girlfriend of two years. The first reply I got was quite shocking and sickened me to the core.

It was, “ah, you guys stayed together for a while, had countless sex and all, now decided to marry, wow, that’s so progressive”. The way he said it (voice clip), it was so disgusting, I couldn’t perceive what he’s been thinking about my girlfriend and me. Why is he so feeble-minded? This particular character. He’s the one who’s never got laid. His idea of sex = porn. He likes to judge women around the world based on how they look and how they dress. He loves to judge (literally) everything.

A fine example. Source: Dank Memes Malayalam Instagram inbox. Received this message just because a particular meme is based on the theme “feminism”.

Characteristics:

  • He needs a virgin woman (sealed according to him) for a wife.
  • He can’t stand women with opinions.
  • He likes to display sexual frustration by commenting on other people’s relationship status and sex life.

4. Mr. മലമൈരൻ (I can’t translate this one)

This one’s the final boss. He’s the amalgamated product of all those individuals I mentioned before. He lives a double life. He will post “mother’s day” wishes in the morning followed by perverted texts to random girls in the evening.

Comments are closed